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things have not been peachy lately. my trip(s) to vegas went very… - when life gives you lemons... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[Jun. 5th, 2009|09:24 pm]
things have not been peachy lately.

my trip(s) to vegas went very smoothly. first trip was just a short trip for one medical appointment to check the lining of my uterus (which was right on target). second trip, i was a little nervous because M would be meeting me at the airport with her mother in-law. i had never met either of them and i'm always really nervous about meeting new people. they were two of the nicest women i have ever met. we spent the 18th talking and getting to know each other; sharing pictures and stories and such. on the 19th, we did the embryo transfer. the doc said that everything looked great and the transfer went very smoothly. i spent the next 24 hours being a couch potato in my hotel room. the evening of the 20th, i went to dinner at Margaritaville with M and S and then to the Flamingo to hit up the slot machines. i won $100 and called it a night. left for home on the 21st.

about 4 days after returning home, i started to do some home pregnancy tests and had no luck getting a positive. i went for beta blood work on the 27th, it came back negative. i went for more blood work on the 29th, it came back negative. the invitro was unsuccessful. although it was in no way my fault, i feel awful that i could not help M&T to become parents. and honestly, i feel a bit like a failure. i wanted this to work sooo badly for them; they've been through a lot. it's been really rough to deal with the past week. i stopped my medications on tuesday and as of today, am suffering from hormone withdrawl... severe headache (near worse than migraine) and nauseated beyond belief with spells of vomitting if i smell the wrong smell or think about certain foods. this all sucks so badly! most surrogates who go through failed transfers get to have another go at the process... either with the same IPs or they move on to find a new couple. well, this was my one shot. darek does not agree with going through the process again. it is a tedious process and i can completely understand where he's coming from, but it still sucks that i won't have the opportunity to try again.

so yeah, i guess it's kind of a good thing that my computer was broken for the past week or else i would have been a whiney baby. i've had time to work things out in my brain a little now.